TRIGGER WARNING & TMI WARNING
On Wednesday, July 26th, Gariet and I found out that we were going to be adding another baby to our family. We were happy, nervous, scared, and excited all at the same time. We told both of our moms. We started making plans for April 2018. We looked into buying a bigger car. I had scheduled my doctor appointments for September. Life was fitting in how we had planned.
On Tuesday, August 8th, I started spotting brown discharge. I was nervous, but Gariet, my mom, and the doctor's office told me that it was normal at this stage and not to worry. I still googled a lot and most of the stories I read had good outcomes. This was normal. Baby would be okay.
As the days progressed, the spotting changed from brown to pink. I called the doctor's office every day and they still told me it was normal and not to worry until it was red. I stayed off my feet (as much as possible with a 1.5 year old). I tried to relax.
On Thursday night, I started seeing red. My heart sank. I called the doctor's office the next morning and said that I needed to come in. I went in and got a blood test done. My HCG level was low (450) from what they expected at 5 weeks, but not extremely low. I would need to come back in on Monday to see if my numbers had doubled (which means the pregnancy is still viable).
Friday was the hardest day. I honestly knew that it was not good news. I just let myself cry. I was an emotional wreck. My mother-in-law watched Mitch all day so that I could grieve and rest.
I passed the placenta on Saturday afternoon. That honestly was the hardest part emotionally because in that moment I knew that the pregnancy had ended. That was when it was completely confirmed in my mind that this was really happening. I spent Saturday and Sunday resting.
On Monday, I went back in for another blood test. I got the call a couple hours later that my HCG levels went from 450 to 50. At that point, I already knew I had lost the baby. The doctor was very kind and told me the plan for when we could continue to start trying for another baby.
Emotionally, I didn't know what to expect with a miscarriage. There are times when if I let myself think about it, then I will cry. I will feel sad that I am not going to have a new baby in April. My whole thinking has had to shift. That is hard.
But here is what I experienced coming to terms with my miscarriage...
First, I want to say that I don't put this philosophy on anyone else's experiences (or even my own future experiences).
When I first got pregnant with Mitch, I immediately felt his little spirit was there. Both Gariet and I had received revelation that we were supposed to get pregnant. We both knew without a doubt that this was the Lord's timing. I would talk to little baby Mitch from the day I first got my positive pregnancy test.
With this pregnancy though, something felt different from the beginning. I didn't feel like there was a spirit there. My body felt pregnant, but something just felt off from what I had experienced before. I attributed it to the fact that I had a crazy 1.5 year old running around and I didn't have as much time to think about it. But looking back, I think I kind of knew from the beginning that something wasn't right.
After my miscarriage, I didn't feel like there was a baby waiting for me on the other side (like many LDS women do) that I would get to raise in the next life. I did however feel like there was a baby on the other side that is waiting for us to create the correct body for it with the correct timing. This body wasn't it- so the pregnancy was ended.
Is it emotionally hard? Yes. Is it physically hard? Yes. I was barely starting to feel pregnant and then suddenly I wasn't. My body feels empty. My body feels "normal" when my mind was just starting to get use to the idea of being pregnant again. Am I sad? Absolutely. Am I moving on? Of course.
The reason I am putting this all out there is because this subject is sometimes a "taboo" topic. I wanted to put it out in the open, so that other women who go through this experience will feel like they are not alone. It is okay to talk about it. During my miscarriage, I was messaging and talking to other women who I knew had been through this. That helped me to be able to process what was happening. It allowed it to be more "real" and to know that it would be okay.
So I am offering the same thing to other women who just need someone to talk to. I am here for you. You will get through this. We will get through this.
Come what may and love it!
On Wednesday, July 26th, Gariet and I found out that we were going to be adding another baby to our family. We were happy, nervous, scared, and excited all at the same time. We told both of our moms. We started making plans for April 2018. We looked into buying a bigger car. I had scheduled my doctor appointments for September. Life was fitting in how we had planned.
On Tuesday, August 8th, I started spotting brown discharge. I was nervous, but Gariet, my mom, and the doctor's office told me that it was normal at this stage and not to worry. I still googled a lot and most of the stories I read had good outcomes. This was normal. Baby would be okay.
As the days progressed, the spotting changed from brown to pink. I called the doctor's office every day and they still told me it was normal and not to worry until it was red. I stayed off my feet (as much as possible with a 1.5 year old). I tried to relax.
On Thursday night, I started seeing red. My heart sank. I called the doctor's office the next morning and said that I needed to come in. I went in and got a blood test done. My HCG level was low (450) from what they expected at 5 weeks, but not extremely low. I would need to come back in on Monday to see if my numbers had doubled (which means the pregnancy is still viable).
Friday was the hardest day. I honestly knew that it was not good news. I just let myself cry. I was an emotional wreck. My mother-in-law watched Mitch all day so that I could grieve and rest.
I passed the placenta on Saturday afternoon. That honestly was the hardest part emotionally because in that moment I knew that the pregnancy had ended. That was when it was completely confirmed in my mind that this was really happening. I spent Saturday and Sunday resting.
On Monday, I went back in for another blood test. I got the call a couple hours later that my HCG levels went from 450 to 50. At that point, I already knew I had lost the baby. The doctor was very kind and told me the plan for when we could continue to start trying for another baby.
Emotionally, I didn't know what to expect with a miscarriage. There are times when if I let myself think about it, then I will cry. I will feel sad that I am not going to have a new baby in April. My whole thinking has had to shift. That is hard.
But here is what I experienced coming to terms with my miscarriage...
First, I want to say that I don't put this philosophy on anyone else's experiences (or even my own future experiences).
When I first got pregnant with Mitch, I immediately felt his little spirit was there. Both Gariet and I had received revelation that we were supposed to get pregnant. We both knew without a doubt that this was the Lord's timing. I would talk to little baby Mitch from the day I first got my positive pregnancy test.
With this pregnancy though, something felt different from the beginning. I didn't feel like there was a spirit there. My body felt pregnant, but something just felt off from what I had experienced before. I attributed it to the fact that I had a crazy 1.5 year old running around and I didn't have as much time to think about it. But looking back, I think I kind of knew from the beginning that something wasn't right.
After my miscarriage, I didn't feel like there was a baby waiting for me on the other side (like many LDS women do) that I would get to raise in the next life. I did however feel like there was a baby on the other side that is waiting for us to create the correct body for it with the correct timing. This body wasn't it- so the pregnancy was ended.
Is it emotionally hard? Yes. Is it physically hard? Yes. I was barely starting to feel pregnant and then suddenly I wasn't. My body feels empty. My body feels "normal" when my mind was just starting to get use to the idea of being pregnant again. Am I sad? Absolutely. Am I moving on? Of course.
The reason I am putting this all out there is because this subject is sometimes a "taboo" topic. I wanted to put it out in the open, so that other women who go through this experience will feel like they are not alone. It is okay to talk about it. During my miscarriage, I was messaging and talking to other women who I knew had been through this. That helped me to be able to process what was happening. It allowed it to be more "real" and to know that it would be okay.
So I am offering the same thing to other women who just need someone to talk to. I am here for you. You will get through this. We will get through this.
Come what may and love it!
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