Come What May and Love It

Life is busy. If you haven’t figured that out by now, you are probably in for a rude awakening. I am really starting to realize how impossible it is to fit everything in. It is especially hard as a young, single college student.   There is school. There is homework. There is work. There are church callings. There is scripture study and prayers. On top of all that, you want to try to have an ounce of a social life. It is hard! Sometimes life can be overwhelming. Sometimes, I feel so split in all these different directions. I feel like it is impossible to get it all done. I wake up in the morning and I have to attend 4 hours of class. Then I need to go to work. Once I come home, it doesn’t stop there. I have homework to complete, projects to work on, emails to send, students to contact, and people to visit. I try to get all these things done quickly so I can get a couple of hours to chill with my boyfriend before going to bed at a decent hour and waking up to start it over again....

To those of you who heard my testimony today, I apologize that I am repeating myself. This is an experience I just needed to write down for myself. Let's rewind to Monday night. I hadn't been feeling all that great. I had only gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before. I just was ready to go to bed. I told myself that I would come home from FHE and go to sleep. I was in my pajamas by 8:30- crazy for a college student, right? One of my friends dropped in for a visit. After she left, I had one of those moments where I just felt completely alone. I went to my room and prayed when a few simple words came to my mind. "Heavenly Father, Are you really there? And do you hear and answer every child's prayer?" These two lines from the children's primary song were stuck in my mind. In the moment, it is easy to doubt that Heavenly Father answers our prayers. How can He really hear every single prayer around the world? How can He answer every single one? It just ...

I have been very open about my past depression. I have told people about my struggles, but I always make sure that I talk in the past tense. I need to be honest. It is not just in the past. Did I go through hard things back in High School? Yes. Have things gotten easier? No. Some days are harder than others. And I have had my share of bad days in the last year. In fact, last semester was probably the worst I have been in a long time. Anyway- a few nights ago got really bad really fast. I was feeling alone and in the dark. I sat in my car and just cried because of the rush of emotion and dark thoughts filling my head.  I decided to look up a talk by one of my amazing professors, Brad Wilcox. In this address, he talks about grace. I really love the talk and would encourage you all to read it . One thing he said was "So grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source. It is not the light at...

Yesterday, I took a group to go Hospital singing. We were having a rough time on the second floor. We were being told 'no' or 'not today' by every person. I was feeling sick to my stomach. Here I had gotten 15 people to give up their precious time on a Sunday afternoon and we weren't even able to do what we came to do! We got to sing to one person on the second floor. Then, I felt like we needed to go to the third floor. Realize that I have been going hospital singing for eight months now almost every Sunday. I had never been to the third floor before. But yesterday, we needed to go there. My goodness. It is indescribable the events that went down on that third floor. I am going to try to write them down for my own sake, but I will not do them justice. First we visited Lynn. He was an old man sitting in a dark room. I don't even remember what songs we sang, but afterward we just started talking to him. He had such a strong testimony. One person asked ...

I was talking to a friend today. He told me that depression was a choice. He was totally convinced that I could just turn off the depression and be fine. I told him it wasn’t. We agreed to disagree, but I feel like there are a lot of people out there that believe the same as my friend. I am here to say that depression, at least for me, is not a choice. Why would I choose to feel this way or have these thoughts? I wouldn’t. However, I do have a choice in something. I have a choice in how I react. For people who have not been depressed before, know that it is a dark place. Sometimes you cannot feel the light or see any hope. Even with the view of the Gospel, some days are really hard. Elder Holland said the following “But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibility suggest it would surely go away if the victims would just sq...

I am going to do the impossible right here, right now. I am going to quote a General Authority and Katy Perry in the same blog post. Please don't strike me down! So I am kind of obsessed with this song right now:   "You held me down, but I got up. Already brushing off the dust You hear my voice, you hear that sound Like thunder gonna shake the ground. You held me down, but I got up Get ready 'cause I've had enough I see it all, I see it now.   I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar. Louder, louder than a lion Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar."   I have opened up recently about my struggles with depression. If you haven't read my story, you can go to that post HERE . But anyway, it is a very real thing for me. Some days are better than others. Last week was incredibly bad. Every time I heard this song, I would turn my radio ...

In my 21 years of being a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I have learned a thing or two. I have gained a testimony of my own as I have grown through the years. Last year on my birthday, I wrote down 20 things that I had a testimony of. I thought it might be fun to do this again this year with 21 things. This year, I decided to find a quote or a scripture for each part. This is more for my own learning and growth, but please enjoy: 1. Heavenly Father knows us. He loves us more than we can comprehend. He is watching out for us even when we feel like there is no one there. "Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time! He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name."- Dieter F. Uchtorf 2. Heavenly Father answers prayers. Sometimes He does not answer them in the way that we want or the way that we expect, b...

Last week I was watching General Conference. First off, AMAZING! I always love this time of year. And I always love Elder Holland's talks. When he got up to speak in the Saturday afternoon session, I knew it was going to be good. If you have not heard or read his talk yet, please click here . Elder Holland talked a lot about depression and the real struggle that goes along with it. I thought that it might be time to share my story with the world. When I went into ninth grade, everything was going great! I had friends, family, and faith. What more did I need? Then my world came crashing down. That year, I found out that I had an acute hearing loss. The doctors had no idea how fast my hearing would disappear, but I left the office that day with an amplifier and a note telling my teachers that I needed to sit in the front of the class. This news hit me hard. I had always felt the need to be perfect all the time. Isn't that what being a Mormon meant after all? The idea that I w...

A few weeks ago, I had a little mini breakdown. I was observing a kindergarten classroom and it hit me. In a year, I am going to be a teacher. In a year, that will be me in front of those children. Granted I will probably not be teaching kindergarten, but I was still just struck by fear. Can I do this? Is this really what I want to do? I had a good friend just talk with me about my life goals and decisions. He mentored me in a way that I really needed. I am grateful I work at a place with so many mentors right on hand to help out in times like this. Anyway- so these questions have been on my mind recently: What am I meant to do? Where am I meant to be? Who am I meant to be? I have been unsure about a lot of things in my life recently and that drives me crazy. I am slightly a control freak who likes to have a nice neat plan laid out. It scares me that I don't know where I am going to be in a year. At the General Relief Society Meeting yesterday, President Monson reminde...

Yesterday, we went hospital singing like we do every Sunday. There was one patient that we sang to that I haven't seen in a while. His name is Rob. He can barely speak. He wanted to request a song for us to sing. It took us several minutes of guessing to finally get what he was talking about. As we left, I heard everyone else talking about how hard it would be to live like that and how grateful they are that they can speak. I can see where they are coming from, but I left grateful I can hear. I have a hearing disability. Maybe sometime I will share the story on here, but if you really want to know you can talk to me about it. For now, I will say that in Junior High I found out that I had a hearing loss. Some days are better than others. Some days I just smile and pretend that I actually heard what someone said to me. Some days are hard and I can barely hear. This week has been pretty hard. Going to the hospital, seeing Rob, that made it all too real. I felt so disoriented no...

At work, we have been stressing these four messages to get the most out of your BYU education: Find new ways to learn. Find ways to expand beyond yourself. Find your place. Find joy in the journey. I think that these are wonderful messages for everyone to take into their lives (not just BYU Freshmen). I have been reflecting on my own ability to do these things this semester. I may come back and address the other three, but for today I just want to address one aspect of number 3- Finding your place. The whole time while writing, I had this song stuck in my head: This has always been a struggle for me. In high school, I had good friends, but I never felt like I truly belonged anywhere. I felt like I was just kind of that person who would tag along to all of these things, but did not really belong there. I am able to look back and see this more and more. When I came Freshman year, I found some good friends. I thought I had found the place where I belonged. Sophomore year...

This has been something that I have been studying out for a while now. For those who have not heard the EFY Medley (or want to listen to it again because it is amazing) you might want to listen to this first: (Side note: I got to sing a new version this in a fireside that was conducted by Sister Janice Kapp Perry- the woman who wrote both the songs sung in this medley. Needless to say, I was crying the entire time.) All of my life I have been told (along with all the other youth) that I was saved for these latter days. We sing about it. We hear talks about it. We have Sunday School lessons about it. This Sunday, Elder Russell M. Nelson gave a wonderful CES Devotional about this idea. It sparked some questions in my mind... Why was I saved for these days? What do I have to offer? How can I make a difference? I would like to tell you about an experience that happened almost a year ago... The week before General Conference in October, I started thinking about a mis...

"The Lord requires his people to be honest. May we desire with all our hearts to be honest in all our relationships and in all the things that we do. God will help us if we seek the strength that comes from him. Sweet then will be our peace of mind and our lives. Blessed will be those with whom we live and associate. And God will bless and guide us with his loving care ." -Gordon B. Hinckley Honestly, honesty has been on my mind a lot recently. I have been thinking about when it is good to be honest and when it is not. I have not kept it a secret on this blog how much I have changed in the last few years. Lately, I have been trying to be more honest. I have not been 'dishonest'. I have not lied to people. I just have not been willing to open myself up and be completely honest. At work, we have talked a lot about vulnerability and embarrassing the awkward. I think that this is an important part of being honest. It is not easy to tell the truth. Are...

This has been my summer. Four months ago, I moved into a new apartment with roommates that I did not know at all. I moved into a ward where I knew no one. I was starting off new. I did not expect to ever be in this position. The year before I had moved into an apartment with some of my best friends. I thought that I would never need to find new roommates. But I did... This summer has been the best thing that could have happened to me. Honestly. I have met beyond amazing people, created new friendships, and grown into a much better person. I am so incredibly grateful for the experiences that I have had. Now, everything is changing once again. My amazing roommates are moving out as I type this. My ward is shifting boundaries. Work is going to become more stressful. I am going to be taking more classes. Life is constantly changing. I can't tell what is ahead for me. But I know that I have to keep moving forward. At this point, I am shifting all of the control into Heavenly Fat...

STORY TIME!! There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. The Farmer replied, "Maybe." The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "What wonderful luck!" the neighbors exclaimed. The Farmer replied "Maybe." The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy. "What bad luck!" The Farmer replied "Maybe." The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "What good luck!" The Farmer replied "Maybe." --------------------------------------...

It has been an emotional week. I have been seeing my inadequacies a lot this week. After getting home tonight, I broke down and cried. I decided it was time to just write a blog about my feelings. I feel like where I am in my life, I am expected to be perfect all the time. Sometimes I am not. Actually...I am never perfect. And that is okay. "Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord thy God."- Deut 18:13 This is not saying that we will be perfect now, but we will be eventually. One of my favorite quotes is from Lorenzo Snow. "As man now is, God once was; as God is now man may be." This says so much about our divine nature. The way I am feeling now is not odd. We are not meant to be exactly like God right this moment. Someday though we can be. Knowing that makes all of this worth it. It makes the trials, the troubles, the afflictions all worth the pain. At the same time though, we are not going through it alone. I know that we have a brother who has been throug...

The title drew you in...didn't it? If you have read my blog before then you know that I am as single as they come. Yep. I just threw that out there into the blogging world. So today in my LDS Marriage and Family class.... Side note: Yes. I am taking a LDS Marriage and Family class. Yes, I am taking it while I am single. And yes, it is counting as a religion credit. Anyway... So today in LDS Marriage and Family we were discussing how to be a whole and happy single. It was a wonderful discussion and it really made me reflect a lot about my own life. I am happy. I am actually happier this last summer than I have ever been. It is wonderful. I am enjoying being myself and getting to know people. It is wonderful! As I was listening to the discussion in my class today, I came to this realization. Relationships are not just about a man loving a woman and a woman loving a man. It is about a man loving God and a woman loving God, with both wanting to be obedient to His will. That...

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there. I love these days that we get to recognize and remember our fathers. I have some pretty great examples of father's around me. These men have taught me lessons all my life about what it means to be a good father and husband and have given me examples of what I want in my own future husband. My Dad Steve Shiflett My dad has taught me so much. I am so grateful that he has been a part of my life my entire life. He has loved my mom unconditionally and the marriage that they share has been an example for me of what I want someday . He has always been a worthy priesthood holder . Anytime I needed a blessing, he was ready to give me one. He has taught me that the temple is an important part of our lives . When I went to do baptisms for the first time, he was there. I am so grateful for this. He also has taught me that you put 110% into everything you do . He is hardworking at work and at church. I know that he puts his whole self ...

I did this as part of my personal scripture study, but I thought that I would share it here.  I am another year older, but here is 20 things that I have a testimony of for you to enjoy. Have a wonderful day! Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer. He suffered for our sins, our trials, and our troubles. Families can be together of. I am so grateful that I got stuck with a great family for all eternity. I can not imagine even one day without them! Heavenly Father is very aware of our circumstances. He puts us into the situations that we need to be put into. Heavenly Father answers prayers. They may not be loud answers, but quiet feelings. Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon. I am so grateful for this. Going through this challenge is making me even more grateful. The Book of Mormon is true. It is filled with all the right stuff. :) President Monson is a true prophet. He speaks the words of God to us today. I am grateful for this connection to God. The Priesthood is r...