Come What May and Love It

Life is busy. If you haven’t figured that out by now, you are probably in for a rude awakening. I am really starting to realize how impossible it is to fit everything in. It is especially hard as a young, single college student.   There is school. There is homework. There is work. There are church callings. There is scripture study and prayers. On top of all that, you want to try to have an ounce of a social life. It is hard! Sometimes life can be overwhelming. Sometimes, I feel so split in all these different directions. I feel like it is impossible to get it all done. I wake up in the morning and I have to attend 4 hours of class. Then I need to go to work. Once I come home, it doesn’t stop there. I have homework to complete, projects to work on, emails to send, students to contact, and people to visit. I try to get all these things done quickly so I can get a couple of hours to chill with my boyfriend before going to bed at a decent hour and waking up to start it over again....

I have been very open about my past depression. I have told people about my struggles, but I always make sure that I talk in the past tense. I need to be honest. It is not just in the past. Did I go through hard things back in High School? Yes. Have things gotten easier? No. Some days are harder than others. And I have had my share of bad days in the last year. In fact, last semester was probably the worst I have been in a long time. Anyway- a few nights ago got really bad really fast. I was feeling alone and in the dark. I sat in my car and just cried because of the rush of emotion and dark thoughts filling my head.  I decided to look up a talk by one of my amazing professors, Brad Wilcox. In this address, he talks about grace. I really love the talk and would encourage you all to read it . One thing he said was "So grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source. It is not the light at...

Yesterday, I took a group to go Hospital singing. We were having a rough time on the second floor. We were being told 'no' or 'not today' by every person. I was feeling sick to my stomach. Here I had gotten 15 people to give up their precious time on a Sunday afternoon and we weren't even able to do what we came to do! We got to sing to one person on the second floor. Then, I felt like we needed to go to the third floor. Realize that I have been going hospital singing for eight months now almost every Sunday. I had never been to the third floor before. But yesterday, we needed to go there. My goodness. It is indescribable the events that went down on that third floor. I am going to try to write them down for my own sake, but I will not do them justice. First we visited Lynn. He was an old man sitting in a dark room. I don't even remember what songs we sang, but afterward we just started talking to him. He had such a strong testimony. One person asked ...

Rewind to December 3, 2013. I was sitting in the JSB watching the Tuesday Devotional. This was the first devotional that I got to attend since before practicum. Can I just say that it was that it was perfect timing for me? The person speaking was Brother Gerald Causse, the first counselor in the Presiding Bishopric. His devotional address was entitled "For When I Am Weak, Then Am I Strong." One thing he said really stood out to me. He said "One reason we may not want to acknowledge our personal limitations is that weakness is perceived by society as a fault or a failure." In a little post-it note on my computer desktop, I put "weakness is perceived by society as a fault." It has been there for the past month just reminding me of this wonderful talk. Fast forward to yesterday. I was sitting at work when one of by good friends came in. I went over to say hi to him and he asked me for some words of wisdom. This caught me off guard. I told him that I was...

I have never really had the opportunity to be myself. I have always felt the need to hide who I really am because of those around me. The first time I remember doing this was in third grade. My third grade teacher was strict. This is much more than just the normal "mean teacher"- she would threaten to hang us by our toenails in the corner if we did not behave. Before third grade, I was very outgoing, but I lost that because of fear. It just went deeper and deeper as the years went on. My freshman year of college, I told myself that I was going to start new. I tried to be myself, but it was really hard. Then with roommate issues, I turned back into my shell. I hid who I was. The next year, I moved in with the"friends" that I had made Freshman year. 4 girls who I thought I could trust through everything. Things happened and by the time winter semester came, my two best friends moved out to go on missions and the other two girls who I had known since Freshman year ...

I am going to do the impossible right here, right now. I am going to quote a General Authority and Katy Perry in the same blog post. Please don't strike me down! So I am kind of obsessed with this song right now:   "You held me down, but I got up. Already brushing off the dust You hear my voice, you hear that sound Like thunder gonna shake the ground. You held me down, but I got up Get ready 'cause I've had enough I see it all, I see it now.   I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar. Louder, louder than a lion Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar."   I have opened up recently about my struggles with depression. If you haven't read my story, you can go to that post HERE . But anyway, it is a very real thing for me. Some days are better than others. Last week was incredibly bad. Every time I heard this song, I would turn my radio ...

Last week I was watching General Conference. First off, AMAZING! I always love this time of year. And I always love Elder Holland's talks. When he got up to speak in the Saturday afternoon session, I knew it was going to be good. If you have not heard or read his talk yet, please click here . Elder Holland talked a lot about depression and the real struggle that goes along with it. I thought that it might be time to share my story with the world. When I went into ninth grade, everything was going great! I had friends, family, and faith. What more did I need? Then my world came crashing down. That year, I found out that I had an acute hearing loss. The doctors had no idea how fast my hearing would disappear, but I left the office that day with an amplifier and a note telling my teachers that I needed to sit in the front of the class. This news hit me hard. I had always felt the need to be perfect all the time. Isn't that what being a Mormon meant after all? The idea that I w...

A few weeks ago, I had a little mini breakdown. I was observing a kindergarten classroom and it hit me. In a year, I am going to be a teacher. In a year, that will be me in front of those children. Granted I will probably not be teaching kindergarten, but I was still just struck by fear. Can I do this? Is this really what I want to do? I had a good friend just talk with me about my life goals and decisions. He mentored me in a way that I really needed. I am grateful I work at a place with so many mentors right on hand to help out in times like this. Anyway- so these questions have been on my mind recently: What am I meant to do? Where am I meant to be? Who am I meant to be? I have been unsure about a lot of things in my life recently and that drives me crazy. I am slightly a control freak who likes to have a nice neat plan laid out. It scares me that I don't know where I am going to be in a year. At the General Relief Society Meeting yesterday, President Monson reminde...

Yesterday, we went hospital singing like we do every Sunday. There was one patient that we sang to that I haven't seen in a while. His name is Rob. He can barely speak. He wanted to request a song for us to sing. It took us several minutes of guessing to finally get what he was talking about. As we left, I heard everyone else talking about how hard it would be to live like that and how grateful they are that they can speak. I can see where they are coming from, but I left grateful I can hear. I have a hearing disability. Maybe sometime I will share the story on here, but if you really want to know you can talk to me about it. For now, I will say that in Junior High I found out that I had a hearing loss. Some days are better than others. Some days I just smile and pretend that I actually heard what someone said to me. Some days are hard and I can barely hear. This week has been pretty hard. Going to the hospital, seeing Rob, that made it all too real. I felt so disoriented no...

At work, we have been stressing these four messages to get the most out of your BYU education: Find new ways to learn. Find ways to expand beyond yourself. Find your place. Find joy in the journey. I think that these are wonderful messages for everyone to take into their lives (not just BYU Freshmen). I have been reflecting on my own ability to do these things this semester. I may come back and address the other three, but for today I just want to address one aspect of number 3- Finding your place. The whole time while writing, I had this song stuck in my head: This has always been a struggle for me. In high school, I had good friends, but I never felt like I truly belonged anywhere. I felt like I was just kind of that person who would tag along to all of these things, but did not really belong there. I am able to look back and see this more and more. When I came Freshman year, I found some good friends. I thought I had found the place where I belonged. Sophomore year...

This has been something that I have been studying out for a while now. For those who have not heard the EFY Medley (or want to listen to it again because it is amazing) you might want to listen to this first: (Side note: I got to sing a new version this in a fireside that was conducted by Sister Janice Kapp Perry- the woman who wrote both the songs sung in this medley. Needless to say, I was crying the entire time.) All of my life I have been told (along with all the other youth) that I was saved for these latter days. We sing about it. We hear talks about it. We have Sunday School lessons about it. This Sunday, Elder Russell M. Nelson gave a wonderful CES Devotional about this idea. It sparked some questions in my mind... Why was I saved for these days? What do I have to offer? How can I make a difference? I would like to tell you about an experience that happened almost a year ago... The week before General Conference in October, I started thinking about a mis...

STORY TIME!! There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. The Farmer replied, "Maybe." The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "What wonderful luck!" the neighbors exclaimed. The Farmer replied "Maybe." The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy. "What bad luck!" The Farmer replied "Maybe." The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "What good luck!" The Farmer replied "Maybe." --------------------------------------...

It has been an emotional week. I have been seeing my inadequacies a lot this week. After getting home tonight, I broke down and cried. I decided it was time to just write a blog about my feelings. I feel like where I am in my life, I am expected to be perfect all the time. Sometimes I am not. Actually...I am never perfect. And that is okay. "Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord thy God."- Deut 18:13 This is not saying that we will be perfect now, but we will be eventually. One of my favorite quotes is from Lorenzo Snow. "As man now is, God once was; as God is now man may be." This says so much about our divine nature. The way I am feeling now is not odd. We are not meant to be exactly like God right this moment. Someday though we can be. Knowing that makes all of this worth it. It makes the trials, the troubles, the afflictions all worth the pain. At the same time though, we are not going through it alone. I know that we have a brother who has been throug...

It is crazy to think that two years ago I graduated from high school. This may not seem like that long for a lot of you, but for me it seems like an eternity.     I was reflecting today on how my life has changed in the last two years. Even in the last year, I feel like I have become a completely different person. I feel like I am not the same Amy that got up and gave a speech at graduation. I am not the same Amy that worked at Arby's. I am not the same Amy who finished up her Freshman year of college. This is the new Amy. Amy 2.0 if you will. Why was I reflecting on this, you ask? Today was Y-Group Leader Training for Summer NSO. It made me think back to last Fall's Y-Group Leader Training. I was a new mentor and felt very inadequate. I was shy and nervous. I felt like I couldn't be a peer mentor. I had just gone through Fall Training with all of these absolutely brilliant mentors. Why had I even been hired? I still wonder this sometimes, but looking back to who I...

(Please excuse the Hannah Montana song title. I couldn't stop myself!) There was a time that I thought I had to be perfect all the time. There are still days when I do not feel like I am enough. I feel like as a member of the church, sometimes we are expected to be perfect. We are given a lot of expectations and if I fail at even one of them, then I must be failing my Heavenly Father, right? Wrong. I feel like as we have feel like we must be perfect, we feel like others are judging us if we are not. I felt that a lot in high school. I felt like if I didn't do everything right 100% of the time then my peers would judge me and my faith. I felt like I could not make a mistake because everyone was watching. But WHO CARES? We weren't sent to this earth to be perfect. If we had, then we would be living Satan's plan. But we are not. We have agency. We came here to "take chances, make mistakes, and get messy" (is it bad to quote Ms. Frizzle in a semi-serious blog ...

Okay people. Brace yourselves for a really long blog post about my life. It has been way too long since I have blogged and I have the burning desire to get it all out! *NOTE: There are grammar and spelling errors. I know. Get over it. Life is good. That is the first time I have been able to say this and mean it in a long time. This last year has been one of the hardest ones for me, but at last I am in a spot where I feel good again. I still have sorrows and trials. Life is still not perfect, but it is good. I have friends. Isn't that a good thing to have? I have a better relationship with my Heavenly Father- also a wonderful thing to have! So I moved. I forget if I already blogged about this, but if I have then you will have to bear with me. I moved from a situation that was not the best into one of the best places I have ever been. Can I just say that my ward is the best ward in the world? Seriously though! I love it. If you are in my ward and reading this, then this is a sho...

I really need to Blog more often. It has been way too long since I have blogged, and I have had several things to say. I must admit that I have written several blog posts, but they were too private to post on the internet. So this one is going to be updating you on everything, or as the title says: Six months ago, an amazing announcement was made. President Thomas S. Monson announced that the mission age has changed from 19 to 18 for young men and 21 to 19 for young women. This has changed everything here at BYU. Many young women have responded to this call and half of my ward is now in the mission field! This includes two of my bestest friends are going on mission. Sister Julia Taylor (left) is going to serve in Nicaragua. She left last Tuesday to go to the Guatemala MTC. Sister Anna Katie Giberson (right) is going to serve in Portugal. She leaves Wednesday to enter the Provo MTC. I am so proud of these two young women. I wish that I could be out there with t...