Come What May and Love It

A year ago today, I was starting my calling early in the morning to get all the programs printed and folded before church started. Around 11, a group of 4 boys showed up. They were all roommates and I remember thinking it was really cool that they all came to church together. They introduced themselves- I think- twice, but I still did not quite remember all of their names.  I knew one was super tall, one was more fashionable, one wore think rimmed glasses and had brown hair, and one wore glasses and had blond hair with a nice blue suit. I hate admitting this now, but I went through their new membership sheets later on that evening and looked at them all intently and invited them to be friends on Facebook. I thought these guys were fun, but I didn't realize then what good friends we would become. A year ago tomorrow, I would have come home from a family get together heart broken from a text message and with my first ever wasp sting on my head. I saw a flyer for a party that was ha...

Last Father's Day, I did a post dedicated to my dad. I felt it was necessary to also do a post dedicated to my Mom for Mother's Day. *Sorry Mom in advance for the pictures...I didn't get them approved by you. I figure I will ask forgiveness rather than permission :) As I have been pondering what I should write for my mom, I saw this quote by Sheri Dew (One of Mom's favorite speakers). "Few of us will reach our potential without the nurturing of both the mother who bore us and the mothers who bear with us." Yeah- when I read that, it hit me pretty strong. I was not an easy teenager. I can tell you that for sure. At the time I was struggling with depression and not really understanding what was going on in my head. It was all so confusing. This caused me to lash out on my family and storm off to my room. Yep...I was one of those teenagers. (I swear I am going to get a child worst than me someday). Looking back, I can't help but feel complete gu...

*NOTE: I apologize for this post. I have been feeling really sentimental and this post just came out of all that. It is so interesting how your whole life can be altered by one decision. I was talking to some good friends. We were randomly just talking about how I became friends with his whole apartment in August. I had not really thought about when we became friends because I thought it was a completely different moment. Then he told me about when he felt that we had first interacted on a non-superficial level and how it really changed everything else. Let me rewind...It was the day before school started in August. I went over to a family dinner. I got stung by a wasp for the first time in my life (it was a very traumatic experience).  Then I texted the boy I liked at the time and asked if he wanted to watch a movie that night. He ended up being busy, and I ended up going home from the family get-together kind of sad. I had promised myself that I would get out...

To those of you who heard my testimony today, I apologize that I am repeating myself. This is an experience I just needed to write down for myself. Let's rewind to Monday night. I hadn't been feeling all that great. I had only gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before. I just was ready to go to bed. I told myself that I would come home from FHE and go to sleep. I was in my pajamas by 8:30- crazy for a college student, right? One of my friends dropped in for a visit. After she left, I had one of those moments where I just felt completely alone. I went to my room and prayed when a few simple words came to my mind. "Heavenly Father, Are you really there? And do you hear and answer every child's prayer?" These two lines from the children's primary song were stuck in my mind. In the moment, it is easy to doubt that Heavenly Father answers our prayers. How can He really hear every single prayer around the world? How can He answer every single one? It just ...

I have been very open about my past depression. I have told people about my struggles, but I always make sure that I talk in the past tense. I need to be honest. It is not just in the past. Did I go through hard things back in High School? Yes. Have things gotten easier? No. Some days are harder than others. And I have had my share of bad days in the last year. In fact, last semester was probably the worst I have been in a long time. Anyway- a few nights ago got really bad really fast. I was feeling alone and in the dark. I sat in my car and just cried because of the rush of emotion and dark thoughts filling my head.  I decided to look up a talk by one of my amazing professors, Brad Wilcox. In this address, he talks about grace. I really love the talk and would encourage you all to read it . One thing he said was "So grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source. It is not the light at...

Yesterday, I took a group to go Hospital singing. We were having a rough time on the second floor. We were being told 'no' or 'not today' by every person. I was feeling sick to my stomach. Here I had gotten 15 people to give up their precious time on a Sunday afternoon and we weren't even able to do what we came to do! We got to sing to one person on the second floor. Then, I felt like we needed to go to the third floor. Realize that I have been going hospital singing for eight months now almost every Sunday. I had never been to the third floor before. But yesterday, we needed to go there. My goodness. It is indescribable the events that went down on that third floor. I am going to try to write them down for my own sake, but I will not do them justice. First we visited Lynn. He was an old man sitting in a dark room. I don't even remember what songs we sang, but afterward we just started talking to him. He had such a strong testimony. One person asked ...

Rewind to December 3, 2013. I was sitting in the JSB watching the Tuesday Devotional. This was the first devotional that I got to attend since before practicum. Can I just say that it was that it was perfect timing for me? The person speaking was Brother Gerald Causse, the first counselor in the Presiding Bishopric. His devotional address was entitled "For When I Am Weak, Then Am I Strong." One thing he said really stood out to me. He said "One reason we may not want to acknowledge our personal limitations is that weakness is perceived by society as a fault or a failure." In a little post-it note on my computer desktop, I put "weakness is perceived by society as a fault." It has been there for the past month just reminding me of this wonderful talk. Fast forward to yesterday. I was sitting at work when one of by good friends came in. I went over to say hi to him and he asked me for some words of wisdom. This caught me off guard. I told him that I was...

I have never really had the opportunity to be myself. I have always felt the need to hide who I really am because of those around me. The first time I remember doing this was in third grade. My third grade teacher was strict. This is much more than just the normal "mean teacher"- she would threaten to hang us by our toenails in the corner if we did not behave. Before third grade, I was very outgoing, but I lost that because of fear. It just went deeper and deeper as the years went on. My freshman year of college, I told myself that I was going to start new. I tried to be myself, but it was really hard. Then with roommate issues, I turned back into my shell. I hid who I was. The next year, I moved in with the"friends" that I had made Freshman year. 4 girls who I thought I could trust through everything. Things happened and by the time winter semester came, my two best friends moved out to go on missions and the other two girls who I had known since Freshman year ...

First off, I need to apologize for not blogging recently. It has been a rough couple of weeks for me, but I am back and hopefully will share my thoughts a little more often. Second- I need to thank everyone that reads this blog. About a month ago, I posted on here about my experiences with depression. Since then, I have been blessed to receive a ton of support. More surprisingly thought, I have had many people come to me and talk about their experiences. I have really enjoyed the opportunity that I have had to discuss not only depression, but other trials with these people that I believed were absolutely perfect. They still are perfect in my eyes- actually, they may even be even more perfect because I can see that they are humans that are reaching for perfection. Now off to the real topic of this blog. I was watching one of my all time favorite movies this past week: Tangled. I become a little girl when I watch it because I love every little piece. I love the story, I love the anim...

I was talking to a friend today. He told me that depression was a choice. He was totally convinced that I could just turn off the depression and be fine. I told him it wasn’t. We agreed to disagree, but I feel like there are a lot of people out there that believe the same as my friend. I am here to say that depression, at least for me, is not a choice. Why would I choose to feel this way or have these thoughts? I wouldn’t. However, I do have a choice in something. I have a choice in how I react. For people who have not been depressed before, know that it is a dark place. Sometimes you cannot feel the light or see any hope. Even with the view of the Gospel, some days are really hard. Elder Holland said the following “But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibility suggest it would surely go away if the victims would just sq...

I have been teaching Kindergarten for the last month. I decided I needed to write down some of the things that I learned during this time. Enjoy! 1. Any job that involves handing out snacks twice a day is the job for me! 2. If you have a runny nose, you are not sick enough to miss school. It means that you will be blowing your nose twenty-bajillion times a day, but you will still stand up in front of the class and teach. 3. Wearing a name tag does not make you a teacher. You still need to establish your role as a teacher and not as a friend. 4. Something will always go wrong. You can plan for hours and hours and then suddenly a kid will be crying in the back of the class and all of your plans go out the window. 5. Even when you are tough with children they still love you and will hug you at the end of the day. 6. 5 year olds are more self-conscious then you would think. 7. You will become an expert at tying a double knot in less than 5 seconds. 8. When you line up the chil...

In my 21 years of being a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I have learned a thing or two. I have gained a testimony of my own as I have grown through the years. Last year on my birthday, I wrote down 20 things that I had a testimony of. I thought it might be fun to do this again this year with 21 things. This year, I decided to find a quote or a scripture for each part. This is more for my own learning and growth, but please enjoy: 1. Heavenly Father knows us. He loves us more than we can comprehend. He is watching out for us even when we feel like there is no one there. "Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time! He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name."- Dieter F. Uchtorf 2. Heavenly Father answers prayers. Sometimes He does not answer them in the way that we want or the way that we expect, b...

Last week I was watching General Conference. First off, AMAZING! I always love this time of year. And I always love Elder Holland's talks. When he got up to speak in the Saturday afternoon session, I knew it was going to be good. If you have not heard or read his talk yet, please click here . Elder Holland talked a lot about depression and the real struggle that goes along with it. I thought that it might be time to share my story with the world. When I went into ninth grade, everything was going great! I had friends, family, and faith. What more did I need? Then my world came crashing down. That year, I found out that I had an acute hearing loss. The doctors had no idea how fast my hearing would disappear, but I left the office that day with an amplifier and a note telling my teachers that I needed to sit in the front of the class. This news hit me hard. I had always felt the need to be perfect all the time. Isn't that what being a Mormon meant after all? The idea that I w...

At work, we have been stressing these four messages to get the most out of your BYU education: Find new ways to learn. Find ways to expand beyond yourself. Find your place. Find joy in the journey. I think that these are wonderful messages for everyone to take into their lives (not just BYU Freshmen). I have been reflecting on my own ability to do these things this semester. I may come back and address the other three, but for today I just want to address one aspect of number 3- Finding your place. The whole time while writing, I had this song stuck in my head: This has always been a struggle for me. In high school, I had good friends, but I never felt like I truly belonged anywhere. I felt like I was just kind of that person who would tag along to all of these things, but did not really belong there. I am able to look back and see this more and more. When I came Freshman year, I found some good friends. I thought I had found the place where I belonged. Sophomore year...

This has been something that I have been studying out for a while now. For those who have not heard the EFY Medley (or want to listen to it again because it is amazing) you might want to listen to this first: (Side note: I got to sing a new version this in a fireside that was conducted by Sister Janice Kapp Perry- the woman who wrote both the songs sung in this medley. Needless to say, I was crying the entire time.) All of my life I have been told (along with all the other youth) that I was saved for these latter days. We sing about it. We hear talks about it. We have Sunday School lessons about it. This Sunday, Elder Russell M. Nelson gave a wonderful CES Devotional about this idea. It sparked some questions in my mind... Why was I saved for these days? What do I have to offer? How can I make a difference? I would like to tell you about an experience that happened almost a year ago... The week before General Conference in October, I started thinking about a mis...

"The Lord requires his people to be honest. May we desire with all our hearts to be honest in all our relationships and in all the things that we do. God will help us if we seek the strength that comes from him. Sweet then will be our peace of mind and our lives. Blessed will be those with whom we live and associate. And God will bless and guide us with his loving care ." -Gordon B. Hinckley Honestly, honesty has been on my mind a lot recently. I have been thinking about when it is good to be honest and when it is not. I have not kept it a secret on this blog how much I have changed in the last few years. Lately, I have been trying to be more honest. I have not been 'dishonest'. I have not lied to people. I just have not been willing to open myself up and be completely honest. At work, we have talked a lot about vulnerability and embarrassing the awkward. I think that this is an important part of being honest. It is not easy to tell the truth. Are...

So I just finished with my 3rd New Student Orientation. This whole week, I have been reliving the last two NSO's and realizing how much I have changed. Fall NSO 2011 I was a Freshman in college. If I am being quite honest, I was completely homesick. I remember the first night, I left the Housing party early and went back to cry. The first day of NSO, I came back from the activities for dinner with my parents and started crying the moment I got into the car. Reflecting back, I was a complete baby. The days that followed are a complete blur. I remember meeting so many people and doing so many things and being just completely and utterly exhausted. So that was my first NSO. It was hard. It was crazy. It really was not the best experience. Fall NSO 2012 So now I was a Sophomore in college. I had a year of experience under my belt. I was a Freshman Mentor and I was determined to make so that they would not have the kind of experience that I did. I wanted to make sure that I was ob...

In our world today, we are surrounded by super heroes. My personal favorite would  have to be Captain America. (Exibit A) Okay, so that has nothing to do with what I wanted to write about, but I just couldn't help it- he is adorable!   Anyway- so someone asked me the other day if I could have any super power in the world, what would it be. I thought about it and could not come up with an answer. Now I have an answer.   I would want the ability to read what people are thinking. Life would be so much easier. There would be no guessing game with anything. You would be able to tell if someone was having a bad day or if a guy liked you. You could really help people get things accomplished. I would be able to see if my students really are understanding something or if they are lying.   So that would be my super power. If you hear about a military experiment or see any radio active spiders anywhere, let me know.

This has been my summer. Four months ago, I moved into a new apartment with roommates that I did not know at all. I moved into a ward where I knew no one. I was starting off new. I did not expect to ever be in this position. The year before I had moved into an apartment with some of my best friends. I thought that I would never need to find new roommates. But I did... This summer has been the best thing that could have happened to me. Honestly. I have met beyond amazing people, created new friendships, and grown into a much better person. I am so incredibly grateful for the experiences that I have had. Now, everything is changing once again. My amazing roommates are moving out as I type this. My ward is shifting boundaries. Work is going to become more stressful. I am going to be taking more classes. Life is constantly changing. I can't tell what is ahead for me. But I know that I have to keep moving forward. At this point, I am shifting all of the control into Heavenly Fat...