I have never really had the opportunity to be myself. I have always felt the need to hide who I really am because of those around me.
The first time I remember doing this was in third grade. My third grade teacher was strict. This is much more than just the normal "mean teacher"- she would threaten to hang us by our toenails in the corner if we did not behave. Before third grade, I was very outgoing, but I lost that because of fear. It just went deeper and deeper as the years went on.
My freshman year of college, I told myself that I was going to start new. I tried to be myself, but it was really hard. Then with roommate issues, I turned back into my shell. I hid who I was. The next year, I moved in with the"friends" that I had made Freshman year. 4 girls who I thought I could trust through everything. Things happened and by the time winter semester came, my two best friends moved out to go on missions and the other two girls who I had known since Freshman year hated my guts. This was in January of 2013. I remember going to work one day in the Hub and just crying because I felt so sad. I trust Heavenly Father and I prayed. I told Him that I wanted a fresh start. I started looking for apartments for the summer because I was staying in Utah to take classes. I went to a couple apartments and nothing felt good. On a day that I should not have been looking for apartments I felt the need to look at BYU's website for contracts. I found one that I just started to feel good about. I went to the apartment to look at it and I felt so at peace. The real selling point got me when there was a zebra chair in the room and I knew that this was where I was supposed to be. (Funny how Heavenly Father answers our prayers in ways that we never imagined). From the end of January I was counting down the days until I could move out. I moved and never looked back.
If you know me or have read my blog before, you should know that I love applying music to my life. After seeing Frozen this last week, one song in particular stood out to me.
The first time I remember doing this was in third grade. My third grade teacher was strict. This is much more than just the normal "mean teacher"- she would threaten to hang us by our toenails in the corner if we did not behave. Before third grade, I was very outgoing, but I lost that because of fear. It just went deeper and deeper as the years went on.
My freshman year of college, I told myself that I was going to start new. I tried to be myself, but it was really hard. Then with roommate issues, I turned back into my shell. I hid who I was. The next year, I moved in with the"friends" that I had made Freshman year. 4 girls who I thought I could trust through everything. Things happened and by the time winter semester came, my two best friends moved out to go on missions and the other two girls who I had known since Freshman year hated my guts. This was in January of 2013. I remember going to work one day in the Hub and just crying because I felt so sad. I trust Heavenly Father and I prayed. I told Him that I wanted a fresh start. I started looking for apartments for the summer because I was staying in Utah to take classes. I went to a couple apartments and nothing felt good. On a day that I should not have been looking for apartments I felt the need to look at BYU's website for contracts. I found one that I just started to feel good about. I went to the apartment to look at it and I felt so at peace. The real selling point got me when there was a zebra chair in the room and I knew that this was where I was supposed to be. (Funny how Heavenly Father answers our prayers in ways that we never imagined). From the end of January I was counting down the days until I could move out. I moved and never looked back.
If you know me or have read my blog before, you should know that I love applying music to my life. After seeing Frozen this last week, one song in particular stood out to me.
"Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.
Well now they know.
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door.
I don't care
What they're going to say
Let the storm rage on, the gold never bothered me anyway.
It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I'm free."
So those are some of the lyrics that stood out to me. I spent so many years trying to hid who I really was. I did not think that people would like me for who I was. I needed to be the good Mormon girl who gave answers during Church. I had to be the smart girl that got all A's. I had to fit into the box that everyone thought I was in. As I moved into a new ward, I no longer wanted to force myself to be in a box. I wanted to let go of the past and move on. I wanted to be me.
2013 brought many challenges, but it also brought many blessings.
Just a couple of scriptures I wanted to share:
"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things." (2 Nephi 2:11)
"Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." (D&C 121:7).
It is interesting to reflect back on my life. The beginning started as the worst year of my life. It was just awful. I am not saying my life is perfect now- in fact it is very far from perfect. I am so grateful for my ward, my friends, and my co-workers who have helped me come out of my shell this last year. If it had not been for their acceptance, I probably would still be just sitting in my room and keeping to myself.
For the first time in years, I feel happy. I feel like I have gotten the opportunity to become myself. People now know the real Amy- whatever that means, I am not sure. They can take it as they wish, but I am more comfortable with who I am and who I am becoming. I am excited to see what 2014 has to offer.
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