It Gets Harder

I have been very open about my past depression. I have told people about my struggles, but I always make sure that I talk in the past tense. I need to be honest. It is not just in the past. Did I go through hard things back in High School? Yes. Have things gotten easier? No. Some days are harder than others. And I have had my share of bad days in the last year. In fact, last semester was probably the worst I have been in a long time.

Anyway- a few nights ago got really bad really fast. I was feeling alone and in the dark. I sat in my car and just cried because of the rush of emotion and dark thoughts filling my head.  I decided to look up a talk by one of my amazing professors, Brad Wilcox. In this address, he talks about grace. I really love the talk and would encourage you all to read it.

One thing he said was "So grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source. It is not the light at the end of the tunnel but the light that moves us through the tunnel. Grace is not achieved somewhere down the road. It is received right here and right now. It is not a finishing touch; it is the Finisher's touch."

He also said "As dark as night may become, we can always count on the sun coming up. As dark as our trials, sins, and mistakes may appear, we can always have confidence in the grace of Jesus Christ...As sure as each brand-new day, grace--the enabling power of Jesus Christ--is constant."

I am sorry, I am going to give one more quote and then I will talk about it all. "I testify that God's grace is sufficient. Jesus' grace is sufficient. It is enough. It is all we need. Oh, young people, don't quit. Keep trying. Don't look for escapes and excuses. Look for the Lord and His perfect strength. Don't search for someone to blame. Search for someone to help you. Seek Christ, and, as you do, I promise you will feel the enabling power we call His amazing grace...  Jesus is pulling with you."


As I was reading this talk, a lot of thoughts came to my mind. I have always loved the idea of grace. I love the Atonement and the strength that it gives me. But last night as I sat in my car, I couldn't help but cry to God..."Shouldn't this be getting easier? I am living the way I am supposed to. I am seeking help for these problems. Shouldn't the burden be lighter and not heavier??"

I know that as I rely on the Savior's help, He does help lift my burdens. My trials are easier (not easy) when I rely on the Atonement. But for some reason I felt as if my trials were getting more deeper. My thoughts were getting more darker, even though I was doing everything right. I felt like I must be doing something wrong.

As I studied Brother Wilcox's talk, I decided I needed to ask him about my thinking. So I did. Here is what he told me: "Some are confused when they try to draw closer to God and find themselves facing greater problems and temptations than they did previously." He then gave me two quotes from Elder Maxwell to consider:

• "The most advanced disciples--far from being immune from further instruction--experience even deeper and more constant tutorials."
• "Sometimes the best people have the worst experiences because they are the most ready to learn."

Do I believe that I am one of the 'most advanced disciples' that Elder Maxwell is addressing? No. However, I really love both of these quotes. It shows me that even though I am doing everything that I should be doing, even though I am trying to be a good person and rely on the Lord in everything, even though I feel like I am failing, Heavenly Father still believes in me.

As I struggle with moments of doubt and question myself, I am being prepared for something. I don't know exactly what I am learning...yet.

One of my best friends sent me a quote from Brother Wilcox a couple of days ago. It says "Perfection is our long-term goal, but for now our goal is progress in that direction--continuous progress that is possible only through the continuous atonement."

Each day may be a real struggle for me. Sometimes I feel like it is too much to bear, but I know that I am not bearing it alone. Jesus Christ bore all of this for me. Here is one last quote from Brother Wilcox (I swear), "The truth is, there is no line. Jesus filled the whole space. He paid our debt in full. He didn't pay it all except for a few coins. He paid it all. It is finished."

Jesus Christ is not bearing only part of my struggles. He is bearing all of them. It does not suddenly get easy because of this. Sometimes we get fooled by the cheesy poems about footprints in the sand and expect God to carry our entire burden for us in moments when we are weak. WRONG! My depression does not magically disappear because of the Atonement. What would I learn from that? I am also realizing that sometimes it does not even get easier. Sometimes we will feel the full weight of the burden. Christ is there as well. He is there to support us and to show us not only how to bear our own trials, but learn from them as well.

Come what may and love it!