First off- this post is intended for mothers and future mothers. I know that this is a very controversial topic, but for some reason I can't get this blog post out of my mind. I feel like I NEED to write it. Maybe for me...maybe for someone else. Either way, I am going to write it. Please read to enjoy, not to judge. If you are going to judge me and my decisions, stop reading now. Close that tab...close it!
Are you still with me? Good!
I wanted to put emphasis on the word CHOSE. I chose to stop breastfeeding. I did not quit. Quit implies giving up. Quit implies failure of some sort. I did not give up. I did not fail. Here is my story...
I live in Provo- Breastfeeding capital of the world. Just kidding, that is probably not true. As an expecting mother, it definitely felt like it at times. I would go to the store and women were breastfeeding their babies. Church- LOTS of women breastfeeding. Family events- more breastfeeding. Don't get me wrong. Breastfeeding is a beautiful thing. It is a wonderful way to provide everything that your child needs and bond. However, when I had M, I didn't feel like I had a choice. I felt like breastfeeding was the choice. Not once at a doctors appointment was I asked if I planned on breastfeeding. After M was born, the nurse helped him latch on for the first time. She didn't even ask if I wanted to breastfeed. While I had planned on breastfeeding, you have to realize that as a young mother I felt like I was expected to breastfeed.
M was born and I definitely did not lack in the supply department. Being engorged is real and it HURTS! I fed M on demand. He was growing healthy and strong. The first two weeks were really hard. I didn't realize that breastfeeding was such an emotional thing. I had several breakdowns when M was crying for who knows what reason, but he wouldn't eat. I felt like it was my fault. Postpartum depression was creeping up on me. At M's 2 week appointment, we talked to the doctor about formula. I absolutely love one thing that she told me. It was something along the lines of:
Sometime in the next week, we gave M his first formula bottle. We decided that we would give M a formula bottle right before bed. I would pump at the same time that he was eating so that I would keep up my supply.
As the weeks went on, M was eating about every 1.5-2 hours. Around 3 months, I noticed that he was now going sometimes 1 hr MAYBE 1.5 hours if I was lucky. Sometimes he was eating every 30 minutes. I tried everything. He would eat until he was done and then an hour later be hungry again. It was killing me. I felt like I was spending all day in bed because I couldn't really do anything. If I did go out, I had to bring a bottle because he would get hungry at some point while we were out.
I tried pumping and feeding him from bottles (for those that are thinking I could have kept going like that), but I emotionally I couldn't do it. I felt like a cow that was tied to my pump every 2 hours. I would pump and feed a bottle. By the time that was all done I was pumping and feeding a bottle again. It just didn't work for me and doing that long term would have caused me to go into depression. (I totally understand that people do this! I commend them, but it just wasn't right for me)
After M's 4 month doctor appointment, my doctor asked how often he was eating. She was shocked when I said that he was eating every hour. She wasn't concerned about Mitch's health. He was still going strong. She was worried about me. She suggested trying to give him more in a bottle to see if that helped him go longer.
After that appointment, Gariet and I had a real conversation. We knew I was producing enough for M to be healthy, but I wasn't producing at the right speed for him. We decided to go to formula full time. Could we have just supplemented with formula? Of course, but I knew that I would feel guilty every single time I gave him a bottle if I didn't do it full time.
I cried. I felt like a failure. I felt like this would hurt my child. Those first few days were rough, but now that I am a week through, it is better. I am lucky that I had a husband who was behind me 100% and had a 3 day weekend to help me get through the roughest patches. I made it 4 months breastfeeding, and that was great! Now, I had to think what was best for my emotional health and for my baby's health.
Did you know that babies can actually nap for 2 hours straight during the day? Did you know that a baby can go 3 hours without getting hungry? I didn't. I have felt a range of emotions over the past week, but now I can look back and see how this is the best decision for me and for my baby. Fed is best.
I write this for the other moms that may feel like failures because they had to use formula for some reason or another. Know that you are not alone. As you look around at all the breastfeeding moms, it is easy to think you are the only one. You aren't. Keep feeding your baby and that is the best thing you can do!
Come what may and love it!
Are you still with me? Good!
I wanted to put emphasis on the word CHOSE. I chose to stop breastfeeding. I did not quit. Quit implies giving up. Quit implies failure of some sort. I did not give up. I did not fail. Here is my story...
I live in Provo- Breastfeeding capital of the world. Just kidding, that is probably not true. As an expecting mother, it definitely felt like it at times. I would go to the store and women were breastfeeding their babies. Church- LOTS of women breastfeeding. Family events- more breastfeeding. Don't get me wrong. Breastfeeding is a beautiful thing. It is a wonderful way to provide everything that your child needs and bond. However, when I had M, I didn't feel like I had a choice. I felt like breastfeeding was the choice. Not once at a doctors appointment was I asked if I planned on breastfeeding. After M was born, the nurse helped him latch on for the first time. She didn't even ask if I wanted to breastfeed. While I had planned on breastfeeding, you have to realize that as a young mother I felt like I was expected to breastfeed.
M was born and I definitely did not lack in the supply department. Being engorged is real and it HURTS! I fed M on demand. He was growing healthy and strong. The first two weeks were really hard. I didn't realize that breastfeeding was such an emotional thing. I had several breakdowns when M was crying for who knows what reason, but he wouldn't eat. I felt like it was my fault. Postpartum depression was creeping up on me. At M's 2 week appointment, we talked to the doctor about formula. I absolutely love one thing that she told me. It was something along the lines of:You may feel like everyone is judging you for not breastfeeding if you do decide to do formula, but don't worry about them. You made it two weeks! That is awesome! Your baby is doing great because of you! Do what you think is right for you and for your baby. What is right for you will be right for your baby.Wait...I could choose a different decision if it was right for me? I didn't HAVE to breastfeed because of all the antibodies, nutrients, blah, blah, blah... There was a different choice?
Sometime in the next week, we gave M his first formula bottle. We decided that we would give M a formula bottle right before bed. I would pump at the same time that he was eating so that I would keep up my supply.
As the weeks went on, M was eating about every 1.5-2 hours. Around 3 months, I noticed that he was now going sometimes 1 hr MAYBE 1.5 hours if I was lucky. Sometimes he was eating every 30 minutes. I tried everything. He would eat until he was done and then an hour later be hungry again. It was killing me. I felt like I was spending all day in bed because I couldn't really do anything. If I did go out, I had to bring a bottle because he would get hungry at some point while we were out.I tried pumping and feeding him from bottles (for those that are thinking I could have kept going like that), but I emotionally I couldn't do it. I felt like a cow that was tied to my pump every 2 hours. I would pump and feed a bottle. By the time that was all done I was pumping and feeding a bottle again. It just didn't work for me and doing that long term would have caused me to go into depression. (I totally understand that people do this! I commend them, but it just wasn't right for me)
After M's 4 month doctor appointment, my doctor asked how often he was eating. She was shocked when I said that he was eating every hour. She wasn't concerned about Mitch's health. He was still going strong. She was worried about me. She suggested trying to give him more in a bottle to see if that helped him go longer.
After that appointment, Gariet and I had a real conversation. We knew I was producing enough for M to be healthy, but I wasn't producing at the right speed for him. We decided to go to formula full time. Could we have just supplemented with formula? Of course, but I knew that I would feel guilty every single time I gave him a bottle if I didn't do it full time.I cried. I felt like a failure. I felt like this would hurt my child. Those first few days were rough, but now that I am a week through, it is better. I am lucky that I had a husband who was behind me 100% and had a 3 day weekend to help me get through the roughest patches. I made it 4 months breastfeeding, and that was great! Now, I had to think what was best for my emotional health and for my baby's health.
Did you know that babies can actually nap for 2 hours straight during the day? Did you know that a baby can go 3 hours without getting hungry? I didn't. I have felt a range of emotions over the past week, but now I can look back and see how this is the best decision for me and for my baby. Fed is best.I write this for the other moms that may feel like failures because they had to use formula for some reason or another. Know that you are not alone. As you look around at all the breastfeeding moms, it is easy to think you are the only one. You aren't. Keep feeding your baby and that is the best thing you can do!
Come what may and love it!
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