Last week I was watching General Conference. First off, AMAZING! I always love this time of year. And I always love Elder Holland's talks. When he got up to speak in the Saturday afternoon session, I knew it was going to be good. If you have not heard or read his talk yet, please click here.
Elder Holland talked a lot about depression and the real struggle that goes along with it. I thought that it might be time to share my story with the world.
When I went into ninth grade, everything was going great! I had friends, family, and faith. What more did I need? Then my world came crashing down. That year, I found out that I had an acute hearing loss. The doctors had no idea how fast my hearing would disappear, but I left the office that day with an amplifier and a note telling my teachers that I needed to sit in the front of the class. This news hit me hard. I had always felt the need to be perfect all the time. Isn't that what being a Mormon meant after all? The idea that I was broken and unfixable was not a good message to a fifteen year old who just wanted to blend it. As soon as my friends found out about my disability, I felt that I no longer had any friends. Everyone just stopped speaking to me. They were suddenly 'busy' all the time, but honestly who would want to be friends with the deaf girl.
If junior high wasn't hard enough already, I would go to and from school for days without saying a word to anyone. My mom would often receive phone calls in the middle of the school day with a crying daughter begging to come home early. Life was hard. I wanted so badly to be perfect. I would put on my fake smile and pretend that everything was okay. I did not want anyone to know how badly I was hurting. But I wanted the pain to stop. I felt completely and utterly alone. In my mind, no one could understand what was happening to me because no one had been through what I was going through. I pretended everything was perfect when it wasn't. I did this for my family, but I think I did it even more so for myself. I did not want to hurt those that I loved, but I was sick of hurting. I was done feeling so alone.
In moments that I completely regret now, I thought about taking my own life. Life did not appear to be worth living. The other option looked a lot nicer than living another moment in my own personal heck on earth. I lost my friends, I distanced myself from my family, and I gave up on faith.
Here I was- a hearing impaired fifteen year old who was contemplating suicide. (Even saying the word now brings me chills.) In those moments, I decided to give God an ultimatum (which I never recommend doing). Growing up as a Mormon, I really never had gained my own testimony. I believed it my whole life, but I never really knew because I had never doubted before. I decided that either the Church was true or not true. I had either been told the truth or my whole life was a life. And if my whole life was a lie, than not living anymore would be a fine option after all. So I tested my faith for the first time. I read the scriptures intently. I prayed. Lucky for me, I found out that it was all true.
One hard day, I read a scripture that has become a huge part of my life. I used a technique that I had learned in my seminary class to replace the names in the scripture with my own to make it more personal. The scripture read:
As I read this scripture, the last few lines stood out to me. Those who put their trust in God NOW could be blessed later. It did not mean that life would be perfect now. In fact, I was shown that I could expect trials, and troubles, and afflictions in my life. However, it also showed me that I could be supported during these hard times and that better times were coming. I learned I needed to put my trust in Jesus Christ. In a word where I felt completely isolated, I learned that I was never alone. I always had a friend who understood what I was going through. Jesus Christ understood. He knew what I was feeling because he had been there already. He was just waiting to help me, but I needed to take the first step. I had to trust Him first. I learned how pray between classes for strength to get through the day. I learned that He is always there. That has made a big difference in my whole mindset. I understand that in these moments where I felt like no one was there to support me, I could seek and receive divine support.
It was also at this time that the talk Come What May and Love It! was given at General Conference. It was an answer to my prayers! It helped affirm my testimony that God does speak to prophets and that they do give the messages that we need to hear.
I would like to share a part from Elder Holland's talk:
So this experience was my most extreme moment in my life. But life has not gotten easier. There are still times that I doubt. Depression is real. I still have times that I feel completely and utterly alone. However, as I discovered for myself- we are never alone. If you struggle with feeling alone or depressed, please talk to someone! I am always willing to listen if you would like. We are never alone! Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. We will have trials and troubles and afflictions, but as we learn to trust God and rely on the Savior's atonement we can be lifted up.
I love you all! Thank you for the support you have given me.
Come what may and love it.
Elder Holland talked a lot about depression and the real struggle that goes along with it. I thought that it might be time to share my story with the world.
When I went into ninth grade, everything was going great! I had friends, family, and faith. What more did I need? Then my world came crashing down. That year, I found out that I had an acute hearing loss. The doctors had no idea how fast my hearing would disappear, but I left the office that day with an amplifier and a note telling my teachers that I needed to sit in the front of the class. This news hit me hard. I had always felt the need to be perfect all the time. Isn't that what being a Mormon meant after all? The idea that I was broken and unfixable was not a good message to a fifteen year old who just wanted to blend it. As soon as my friends found out about my disability, I felt that I no longer had any friends. Everyone just stopped speaking to me. They were suddenly 'busy' all the time, but honestly who would want to be friends with the deaf girl.
If junior high wasn't hard enough already, I would go to and from school for days without saying a word to anyone. My mom would often receive phone calls in the middle of the school day with a crying daughter begging to come home early. Life was hard. I wanted so badly to be perfect. I would put on my fake smile and pretend that everything was okay. I did not want anyone to know how badly I was hurting. But I wanted the pain to stop. I felt completely and utterly alone. In my mind, no one could understand what was happening to me because no one had been through what I was going through. I pretended everything was perfect when it wasn't. I did this for my family, but I think I did it even more so for myself. I did not want to hurt those that I loved, but I was sick of hurting. I was done feeling so alone.
In moments that I completely regret now, I thought about taking my own life. Life did not appear to be worth living. The other option looked a lot nicer than living another moment in my own personal heck on earth. I lost my friends, I distanced myself from my family, and I gave up on faith.
Here I was- a hearing impaired fifteen year old who was contemplating suicide. (Even saying the word now brings me chills.) In those moments, I decided to give God an ultimatum (which I never recommend doing). Growing up as a Mormon, I really never had gained my own testimony. I believed it my whole life, but I never really knew because I had never doubted before. I decided that either the Church was true or not true. I had either been told the truth or my whole life was a life. And if my whole life was a lie, than not living anymore would be a fine option after all. So I tested my faith for the first time. I read the scriptures intently. I prayed. Lucky for me, I found out that it was all true.
One hard day, I read a scripture that has become a huge part of my life. I used a technique that I had learned in my seminary class to replace the names in the scripture with my own to make it more personal. The scripture read:
And now, O my [daughter Amy], behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day. (Alma 36:3)
As I read this scripture, the last few lines stood out to me. Those who put their trust in God NOW could be blessed later. It did not mean that life would be perfect now. In fact, I was shown that I could expect trials, and troubles, and afflictions in my life. However, it also showed me that I could be supported during these hard times and that better times were coming. I learned I needed to put my trust in Jesus Christ. In a word where I felt completely isolated, I learned that I was never alone. I always had a friend who understood what I was going through. Jesus Christ understood. He knew what I was feeling because he had been there already. He was just waiting to help me, but I needed to take the first step. I had to trust Him first. I learned how pray between classes for strength to get through the day. I learned that He is always there. That has made a big difference in my whole mindset. I understand that in these moments where I felt like no one was there to support me, I could seek and receive divine support. It was also at this time that the talk Come What May and Love It! was given at General Conference. It was an answer to my prayers! It helped affirm my testimony that God does speak to prophets and that they do give the messages that we need to hear.
I would like to share a part from Elder Holland's talk:
"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: 'That love never changes....It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there." Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior's own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead. "
So this experience was my most extreme moment in my life. But life has not gotten easier. There are still times that I doubt. Depression is real. I still have times that I feel completely and utterly alone. However, as I discovered for myself- we are never alone. If you struggle with feeling alone or depressed, please talk to someone! I am always willing to listen if you would like. We are never alone! Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. We will have trials and troubles and afflictions, but as we learn to trust God and rely on the Savior's atonement we can be lifted up.
I love you all! Thank you for the support you have given me.
Come what may and love it.
I never knew you had any hearing loss! What a rough thing to hear when you are 15. I'm so glad you were able to come up on the other side of the challenge stronger than before.
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