Come What May and Love It

So guess what! It is that time of year again. The time where everyone makes resolutions and then keeps them for a month. I have actually never made real resolutions before. So I decided to start a list on Sunday and I kind of went out of control. I ended up with 22 goals, which I thought was perfect since I am turning 22 this year! Here is to a great year! Watch all of the Lord of the Rings movies (I haven't seen any of them!!) Re-Read the entire Book of Mormon Re-Read the whole Harry Potter series Give away 3 Book of Mormons Do baptisms in the temple at least once a month Visit all the temples in Utah Valley and Salt Lake Counties Re-Memorize the 12 Articles of Faith Write at least one blog post a month Save an extra $2000 to go on a big trip in 2015 Finish my last semester with all A's Attend every Tuesday Devotional during Winter semester (or watch them online during practicum) Go a whole month without eating chocolate Meet or have some contact with 100% of m

I have never really had the opportunity to be myself. I have always felt the need to hide who I really am because of those around me. The first time I remember doing this was in third grade. My third grade teacher was strict. This is much more than just the normal "mean teacher"- she would threaten to hang us by our toenails in the corner if we did not behave. Before third grade, I was very outgoing, but I lost that because of fear. It just went deeper and deeper as the years went on. My freshman year of college, I told myself that I was going to start new. I tried to be myself, but it was really hard. Then with roommate issues, I turned back into my shell. I hid who I was. The next year, I moved in with the"friends" that I had made Freshman year. 4 girls who I thought I could trust through everything. Things happened and by the time winter semester came, my two best friends moved out to go on missions and the other two girls who I had known since Freshman year

First off, I need to apologize for not blogging recently. It has been a rough couple of weeks for me, but I am back and hopefully will share my thoughts a little more often. Second- I need to thank everyone that reads this blog. About a month ago, I posted on here about my experiences with depression. Since then, I have been blessed to receive a ton of support. More surprisingly thought, I have had many people come to me and talk about their experiences. I have really enjoyed the opportunity that I have had to discuss not only depression, but other trials with these people that I believed were absolutely perfect. They still are perfect in my eyes- actually, they may even be even more perfect because I can see that they are humans that are reaching for perfection. Now off to the real topic of this blog. I was watching one of my all time favorite movies this past week: Tangled. I become a little girl when I watch it because I love every little piece. I love the story, I love the anim

I was talking to a friend today. He told me that depression was a choice. He was totally convinced that I could just turn off the depression and be fine. I told him it wasn’t. We agreed to disagree, but I feel like there are a lot of people out there that believe the same as my friend. I am here to say that depression, at least for me, is not a choice. Why would I choose to feel this way or have these thoughts? I wouldn’t. However, I do have a choice in something. I have a choice in how I react. For people who have not been depressed before, know that it is a dark place. Sometimes you cannot feel the light or see any hope. Even with the view of the Gospel, some days are really hard. Elder Holland said the following “But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibility suggest it would surely go away if the victims would just sq

I have been teaching Kindergarten for the last month. I decided I needed to write down some of the things that I learned during this time. Enjoy! 1. Any job that involves handing out snacks twice a day is the job for me! 2. If you have a runny nose, you are not sick enough to miss school. It means that you will be blowing your nose twenty-bajillion times a day, but you will still stand up in front of the class and teach. 3. Wearing a name tag does not make you a teacher. You still need to establish your role as a teacher and not as a friend. 4. Something will always go wrong. You can plan for hours and hours and then suddenly a kid will be crying in the back of the class and all of your plans go out the window. 5. Even when you are tough with children they still love you and will hug you at the end of the day. 6. 5 year olds are more self-conscious then you would think. 7. You will become an expert at tying a double knot in less than 5 seconds. 8. When you line up the children

I am going to do the impossible right here, right now. I am going to quote a General Authority and Katy Perry in the same blog post. Please don't strike me down! So I am kind of obsessed with this song right now:   "You held me down, but I got up. Already brushing off the dust You hear my voice, you hear that sound Like thunder gonna shake the ground. You held me down, but I got up Get ready 'cause I've had enough I see it all, I see it now.   I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar. Louder, louder than a lion Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar."   I have opened up recently about my struggles with depression. If you haven't read my story, you can go to that post HERE . But anyway, it is a very real thing for me. Some days are better than others. Last week was incredibly bad. Every time I heard this song, I would turn my radio

In my 21 years of being a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I have learned a thing or two. I have gained a testimony of my own as I have grown through the years. Last year on my birthday, I wrote down 20 things that I had a testimony of. I thought it might be fun to do this again this year with 21 things. This year, I decided to find a quote or a scripture for each part. This is more for my own learning and growth, but please enjoy: 1. Heavenly Father knows us. He loves us more than we can comprehend. He is watching out for us even when we feel like there is no one there. "Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time! He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name."- Dieter F. Uchtorf 2. Heavenly Father answers prayers. Sometimes He does not answer them in the way that we want or the way that we expect, b

Last week I was watching General Conference. First off, AMAZING! I always love this time of year. And I always love Elder Holland's talks. When he got up to speak in the Saturday afternoon session, I knew it was going to be good. If you have not heard or read his talk yet, please click here . Elder Holland talked a lot about depression and the real struggle that goes along with it. I thought that it might be time to share my story with the world. When I went into ninth grade, everything was going great! I had friends, family, and faith. What more did I need? Then my world came crashing down. That year, I found out that I had an acute hearing loss. The doctors had no idea how fast my hearing would disappear, but I left the office that day with an amplifier and a note telling my teachers that I needed to sit in the front of the class. This news hit me hard. I had always felt the need to be perfect all the time. Isn't that what being a Mormon meant after all? The idea that I w

A few weeks ago, I had a little mini breakdown. I was observing a kindergarten classroom and it hit me. In a year, I am going to be a teacher. In a year, that will be me in front of those children. Granted I will probably not be teaching kindergarten, but I was still just struck by fear. Can I do this? Is this really what I want to do? I had a good friend just talk with me about my life goals and decisions. He mentored me in a way that I really needed. I am grateful I work at a place with so many mentors right on hand to help out in times like this. Anyway- so these questions have been on my mind recently: What am I meant to do? Where am I meant to be? Who am I meant to be? I have been unsure about a lot of things in my life recently and that drives me crazy. I am slightly a control freak who likes to have a nice neat plan laid out. It scares me that I don't know where I am going to be in a year. At the General Relief Society Meeting yesterday, President Monson reminde

Yesterday, we went hospital singing like we do every Sunday. There was one patient that we sang to that I haven't seen in a while. His name is Rob. He can barely speak. He wanted to request a song for us to sing. It took us several minutes of guessing to finally get what he was talking about. As we left, I heard everyone else talking about how hard it would be to live like that and how grateful they are that they can speak. I can see where they are coming from, but I left grateful I can hear. I have a hearing disability. Maybe sometime I will share the story on here, but if you really want to know you can talk to me about it. For now, I will say that in Junior High I found out that I had a hearing loss. Some days are better than others. Some days I just smile and pretend that I actually heard what someone said to me. Some days are hard and I can barely hear. This week has been pretty hard. Going to the hospital, seeing Rob, that made it all too real. I felt so disoriented not bei

At work, we have been stressing these four messages to get the most out of your BYU education: Find new ways to learn. Find ways to expand beyond yourself. Find your place. Find joy in the journey. I think that these are wonderful messages for everyone to take into their lives (not just BYU Freshmen). I have been reflecting on my own ability to do these things this semester. I may come back and address the other three, but for today I just want to address one aspect of number 3- Finding your place. The whole time while writing, I had this song stuck in my head: This has always been a struggle for me. In high school, I had good friends, but I never felt like I truly belonged anywhere. I felt like I was just kind of that person who would tag along to all of these things, but did not really belong there. I am able to look back and see this more and more. When I came Freshman year, I found some good friends. I thought I had found the place where I belonged. Sophomore year cam

This has been something that I have been studying out for a while now. For those who have not heard the EFY Medley (or want to listen to it again because it is amazing) you might want to listen to this first: (Side note: I got to sing a new version this in a fireside that was conducted by Sister Janice Kapp Perry- the woman who wrote both the songs sung in this medley. Needless to say, I was crying the entire time.) All of my life I have been told (along with all the other youth) that I was saved for these latter days. We sing about it. We hear talks about it. We have Sunday School lessons about it. This Sunday, Elder Russell M. Nelson gave a wonderful CES Devotional about this idea. It sparked some questions in my mind... Why was I saved for these days? What do I have to offer? How can I make a difference? I would like to tell you about an experience that happened almost a year ago... The week before General Conference in October, I started thinking about a mission. I k

"The Lord requires his people to be honest. May we desire with all our hearts to be honest in all our relationships and in all the things that we do. God will help us if we seek the strength that comes from him. Sweet then will be our peace of mind and our lives. Blessed will be those with whom we live and associate. And God will bless and guide us with his loving care ." -Gordon B. Hinckley Honestly, honesty has been on my mind a lot recently. I have been thinking about when it is good to be honest and when it is not. I have not kept it a secret on this blog how much I have changed in the last few years. Lately, I have been trying to be more honest. I have not been 'dishonest'. I have not lied to people. I just have not been willing to open myself up and be completely honest. At work, we have talked a lot about vulnerability and embarrassing the awkward. I think that this is an important part of being honest. It is not easy to tell the truth. Are you willin

So I just finished with my 3rd New Student Orientation. This whole week, I have been reliving the last two NSO's and realizing how much I have changed. Fall NSO 2011 I was a Freshman in college. If I am being quite honest, I was completely homesick. I remember the first night, I left the Housing party early and went back to cry. The first day of NSO, I came back from the activities for dinner with my parents and started crying the moment I got into the car. Reflecting back, I was a complete baby. The days that followed are a complete blur. I remember meeting so many people and doing so many things and being just completely and utterly exhausted. So that was my first NSO. It was hard. It was crazy. It really was not the best experience. Fall NSO 2012 So now I was a Sophomore in college. I had a year of experience under my belt. I was a Freshman Mentor and I was determined to make so that they would not have the kind of experience that I did. I wanted to make sure that I was ob

In our world today, we are surrounded by super heroes. My personal favorite would  have to be Captain America. (Exibit A) Okay, so that has nothing to do with what I wanted to write about, but I just couldn't help it- he is adorable!   Anyway- so someone asked me the other day if I could have any super power in the world, what would it be. I thought about it and could not come up with an answer. Now I have an answer.   I would want the ability to read what people are thinking. Life would be so much easier. There would be no guessing game with anything. You would be able to tell if someone was having a bad day or if a guy liked you. You could really help people get things accomplished. I would be able to see if my students really are understanding something or if they are lying.   So that would be my super power. If you hear about a military experiment or see any radio active spiders anywhere, let me know.

This has been my summer. Four months ago, I moved into a new apartment with roommates that I did not know at all. I moved into a ward where I knew no one. I was starting off new. I did not expect to ever be in this position. The year before I had moved into an apartment with some of my best friends. I thought that I would never need to find new roommates. But I did... This summer has been the best thing that could have happened to me. Honestly. I have met beyond amazing people, created new friendships, and grown into a much better person. I am so incredibly grateful for the experiences that I have had. Now, everything is changing once again. My amazing roommates are moving out as I type this. My ward is shifting boundaries. Work is going to become more stressful. I am going to be taking more classes. Life is constantly changing. I can't tell what is ahead for me. But I know that I have to keep moving forward. At this point, I am shifting all of the control into Heavenly Fat

Hello again! So here is my third crazy confession (for some reason all of my confessions have to do with music...weird). I am that person. I get into my car when I am driving all alone, turn up the radio as loud as my ears can stand, and I dance. I will be at stop lights and see people staring, but I don't care. This is weird, because if you know me I am not a dancer. I am the awkward person at parties who kind of sways back and forth. For some reason though, I am willing to make a fool out of myself when I am alone in my car. Here is the song that I was rocking out to tonight while in the drive thru at Sonic (Half-priced Shakes after 8!): This all being said, I typically do not dance when people are in the car with me or when I am in another person's car. So don't expect me to dance on demand. I won't do it. But also do not be surprised if I start dancing. Just saying... Maybe this isn't the craziest confession. I am hoping that people come forward sayi

Four months ago, I was the new girl in the ward. I did not really know anyone. If you know me, you know how awkward I felt trying to get to know people. Anyone, one day a guy asked if I would like to go hospital singing with them. It sounded like fun, so I went. This actually was also the first time that I rode in the back of a truck, anyway that has nothing to do with the story. So every Sunday since (besides Fast Sundays), I have gone hospital singing. The two guys that were kind of leading it left for other endeavors, but I wanted to keep it going. So every Sunday, I would go door to door inviting everyone in my ward to come singing with us. Some weeks were better than others, but each time was amazing. I have been incredibly grateful for the opportunity that we have to go sing to brighten people's days. Yesterday was the last Sunday of the Summer. I have been begging people to come for weeks and we got a good sized group. Afterwards, I was kind of sad because a lot of these

Let us go back to one year ago.... I was packing up my car getting ready to drive to Utah and move into a new apartment. I had felt sick to my stomach all the time. I honestly did not want to go back because of all the bad feelings that I got. I found out later why I did not want to go back, but that is a different story... Anyway, I would cry for days because of all the stress. I even cried at Disneyland...yes, Disneyland, because of all these feelings! That should tell you how bad I was in that moment. My first year at BYU, my parents drove me up and my dad thought it would be cute to put Post-It notes all over my dorm room. Yes, it was dorky, but I loved it. I would find them in odd places months later and it would make me smile because I knew how much my dad loved me. So as I was getting ready for my second year at BYU, I was kind of sad that my Dad would not be able to do the same thing again to my new apartment (though I never let on that I felt this way) because he had to

STORY TIME!! There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. The Farmer replied, "Maybe." The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "What wonderful luck!" the neighbors exclaimed. The Farmer replied "Maybe." The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy. "What bad luck!" The Farmer replied "Maybe." The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "What good luck!" The Farmer replied "Maybe." --------------------------------------

I do believe that Heavenly Father has a sense of irony. Last week was rough for me. I was not in a good place. Then something funny happened on Monday. I was at work at the best job in the world. Part of what I am working on right now is some trainings. So, I look up this week's topic. It was about reframing your mindset. And guess what was one of the readings. I will give you a hint- it is the title of this blog and my favorite talk of all time. Come What May and Love It! I find it ironic that this was put into my path the week when I needed it most. I am so grateful that I got to read over it again. I would like to write down a part that I enjoyed this time reading it through... "Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorry is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for ot

It has been an emotional week. I have been seeing my inadequacies a lot this week. After getting home tonight, I broke down and cried. I decided it was time to just write a blog about my feelings. I feel like where I am in my life, I am expected to be perfect all the time. Sometimes I am not. Actually...I am never perfect. And that is okay. "Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord thy God."- Deut 18:13 This is not saying that we will be perfect now, but we will be eventually. One of my favorite quotes is from Lorenzo Snow. "As man now is, God once was; as God is now man may be." This says so much about our divine nature. The way I am feeling now is not odd. We are not meant to be exactly like God right this moment. Someday though we can be. Knowing that makes all of this worth it. It makes the trials, the troubles, the afflictions all worth the pain. At the same time though, we are not going through it alone. I know that we have a brother who has been throug